George W. Bush has won his fourth consecutive term as president...
... taking Florida, which due to a computer glitch...
... inherent in the Jeb B. voting terminals, tallied one single vote...
... for President Bush and Vice President Schwarzenegger.
Bush's presidency was unanimously declared...
... Iegally binding by the Supreme Court...
...as well as totally cool, by Chief Justice Jenna Bush...
...who subsequently set in motion another supreme kegger.
Following the landslide victory...
...a constitutional amendment banning public nudity was implemented.
Shortly thereafter, President Bush dissolved Congress...
... claiming it was cramping his style.
American troops continue to be strung thin...
... due to the still-raging wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Iran, Lebanon...
...Libya, Pakistan, Venezuela, France, Canada and Alaska.
One American corporation has discovered...
...a scientific military solution to the looming troop-shortage crisis.
Here at W Industries, top scientists...
... in cooperation with the United States military...
...and due to the shortage of American troops...
...are developing a toxic, easily transmittable chemo virus...
... that acts to reanimate dead tissue.
But we assure you, due to the extreme level of volatility of such tests...
... the research facilities are unequivocally...
... in accordance with the United States government level of standards...
...fail-safe.
Behold a pale horse.
Please help me! Help me!
Sir.
They're here.
Major. Thank God you guys are here.
-It's bad in there. -lt better be, right, lieutenant?
We're the best of the best. We drink napalm and piss fire.
Semper fi. So, what seems to be the problem?
Believe it or not, zombies.
I like knives.
He likes knives.
Nothing like a good challenge.
We improvise and adapt, sir.
We just stopped that thing. What was that called?
-Armageddon, sir. -That's the one.
Lt. Ryker here killed Satan himself with a sharp stick.
-Good work, soldier. -Just doing my duty, sir.
-So where were we? -Zombies, sir.
That's right, zombies.
Let's tell the squad the good news.
I live for it, sir.
Fall out, you maggots! On the double, let's go, move it.
Go, go, go. Recon's in zero minus three minutes.
On the double, dirtbags. Today is a good day to die.
-Meet the team, private? -Yes, sir.
Welcome to the best of the best, son.
Now move out, soldier!
Zombies.
Shit.
Take a good look, soldier.
You see this? There's fucking zombies out there.
Seen worse.
So, what are we dealing with here, doc?
It's a chemo virus designed to reanimate dead tissue...
...and jump-start the brain's motor function.
This would allow, say, a soldier to continue fighting after death.
After one experiences death, fear is more or less gone.
It enhances the combat mindset...
...the brain functions of one fearless, uninhibited...
...the drive of a take-no-prisoners soldier of raw survival instincts.
It more or less turns a soldier into a super soldier.
The good news is...
...the test subjects in there are not trained soldiers...
...but poor lost unfortunates who've had no other choice...
...but to sell themselves to scientific experiments.
Homeless, illegal immigrants, the American middle class.
And what's the bad news?
The chemo virus' molecular structures...
...deteriorate at an exponential rate from host to host.
The zombified dead after that are but mindless monsters...
...with a voracious appetite for living flesh.
The virus is based on the human X chromosome...
...so it stays more pure from woman to woman.
But once you get a man in there, like everything else...
...it all goes to shit.
So, what do we have to do to take one of these zombies down, doc?
Well, what works for us is we've been surgically removing...
...the medulla oblongata.
Or that.
We also found that a strong electromagnetic pulse...
...can knock them out.
Right. Lieutenant, give the word.
All right, it's a turkey shoot.
Let's lose this armour.
Jesus.
What team of fuckups designed this place?
We track as many as we can, then we hit them with the big E.
-What, Elvis? -Not Elvis, EMPD.
-Damn. -Lieutenant.
-Alpha, Bravo, ten-hut! -Move out.
Com station up and operational.
Alpha, Bravo, incoming at 0400.
Twenty metres, 10 o'clock.
Hold tight. Draw them in.
Holy shit.
Sometimes I like guns.
Alpha, Bravo, incoming at 6 o'clock.
Wait for it.
Do it.
Wait for it.
Blast them.
Report. Comstat, come in.
Kwan, you there?
Com's down.
Electromagnetic blast. Equipment's fried.
So how do we make sure they're zero threat?
Oh, no.
Sir, the com phone....
Look out!
Somebody made a mistake. Somebody made a big fucking mistake.
Fire at will.
Alpha, Bravo, get to the side!
-I want more bombs, sir. -Sir, orders from comstat base.
The memo reads:
"Osama to attack within the United States."
Wait, what does that mean?
It's code. It means we've been warned of the dangers.
But better to ignore the problem and it's bound to go away.
Got it. That's what we're doing?
Me, personally...
...I'm aiming for the head.
All right. The good old-fashioned way.
Alpha, Bravo teams, let's clean up the rest of the mess.
-Wrap it up. -Recon!
This is where it bit me.
It's not that bad. Don't worry, son.
We'll get you fixed up right as rain.
-Mission accomplished, sir. -All right.
Where'd I hear that before? Let's get a head count.
Yes, sir. Squad, form up.
Where's Byrdflough?
Off the stage, asshole.
Hi.
I'm looking for Madam Blavatski.
God bless.
Are you kidding me? This place is more illegal than that lD.
All right.
That was the ever-feline Kat.
Now, she's working hard up there for you boys, so be extra nice.
And remember, Rhinos is an ultra-exclusive gentlemen's club.
So exclusive members only, if you know what I mean.
Now, the management would also like to remind you...
...that nothing comes out of your pants...
...but tips for the girls.
Bitch.
-What a talent. -Slut.
-My hero. -Whatever.
Okay, über-sluts, we have new meat.
This is Jessy.
-Local girl, right? -Yeah.
Born and bred, Sartre, Nebraska.
-Figures. -Grew up on a farm?
Yep. Right again.
-Eat a lot of corn? -Yep.
Good. Now, we make her at home...
...so we are all-- How you say?
--happy with the crabs.
No, not crabs, but other crustaceans.
You mean "happy as a clam."
Clams are molluscs, not crustaceans.
Whatever.
So you sit here.
We are all happy as clams.
Hi.
Okay.
Lilith!
Go, go, go. You dance.
Oh, Mr. Essko, hello.
Shut your pie-hole.
Hey, boss.
Back off. Back off, you walking herpie, you.
This is nice.
Never touch.
Not the jacket, not the shirt, not the hair.
You touch me again, I'll kill you.
I love a man of authority.
Well, hey there, sweet thing.
How about some private time?
Fat chance, fuckwad.
And now, an announcement...
...from your host, Mr. Ian Essko.
Tired of that same old lap dance?
Well, drop an extra C-note, fellas...
...and experience Rhinos' exclusive face dance.
One of our lovely ladies will sit on your face...
...and give birth to your head.
Why not try it with our lovely Lilith here?
Experience the essence du Goth.
Exclusively here at Rhinos.
All right, boys.
Give it up for Lilith, the dark queen of the underworld.
And remember, tip the girls well and they come out with nothing on...
...but the music.
And now...
...back by her own popular demand...
...a legend in her own mind...
...Jeannie.
Bitch.
Okay, what the hell are you doing here?
Is it that apparent that I've never done this before?
Let me guess, Granny fell and broke her hip?
She's Nana, and it's for her colostomy.
Hey, Berenge, Trotskyite, you go work floor.
Lap dance.
Lap dance?
Syphilitical lap dance?
Yeah.
-You want a lap dance? -No.
-You don't look so good. -I'm fine.
Well, all right, boys.
Now our own Bobby Sox...
...is gonna tease you with her sock tease.
All right, all right.
What the hell's going on out here?
Dude, that guy's dead.
Oh, he's okay.
-Where the fuck's Paco? -Dog, I'm right here.
Clean this mess up, would you? All right?
I'm only two of me.
Remember the Alamo. Davy Crockett.
-Whatever. -Yeah.
Knocked up.
I remember when I was once star.
Young stripper with dream.
Dream to sing to swanky Parisian elite in smoky nightclub.
We live for dreams.
We die for dream.
That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?
This new girl.
I don't think she's ever stripped before.
-You think? -Well, maybe you can talk to her.
Give her some pointers.
Yeah, sure. But everything great...
...must first wear hideous and monstrous masks...
...in order to inscribe themselves on the hearts of humanity.
Davis, what are you doing here?
-I need to talk to you. -Make it quick.
I need to know what the meaning of life is.
You're kidding.
I know we're Christians, and what you're doing is a sin, but the intent is...
...well, Christlike, you sacrificing yourself and all.
So, what are morals? Does the ends justify the means?
But then again, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, so....
Darn, I'm out of clichés.
What do you want from me, Davis?
Ultimate truth.
You're the last pure thing I know in this world.
Maybe there's more truth to the human condition...
...in me taking my clothes off for emotionally stunted men...
...so that my grandmother can shit in a bag...
...than me staying virginal and pure for you.
Jessy, please, don't do this.
But I gotta. For Nana.
Well, if you must.
I'm gonna watch.
And now, for all you cornhuskers...
...midnight cow-tippers and lnternet explorers...
...we have sweet Jessy.
What the fuck?
Couldn't do it, huh?
Kid, it takes more than desperation to get out there on that stage.
You either got it or you don't, baby.
What the fuck is going on here?
Look, you pert little minxy slut.
You get back out there right now, or you're dead to me.
Ian, will you just fucking relax?
I'll take her time.
Jesus Christ.
You have to be a warrior, a soldier. Fearless, uninhibited.
A stripper with a take-no-prisoners...
...raw survival instinct.
So please, for my sake, suck it up.
-It's a war out there. -Fucking A, sister.
Get this asshole out of here! Get him out!
My show, you won't watch.
Come on, in here.
In here.
Stay out of there, he's dangerous.
He's my hero. I just wanna shake his hand.
Get inside, get her inside, get her inside, get her inside.
Come on, come on, that's it.
Do we call someone about this?
Who? We're an illegal operation here, asshole.
We call the police, we're fucked. This blows.
Okay, okay, okay. Plan.
First, you go out front, kill everybody that saw it.
-Hey, pendejo, I'm a lover, not a fighter. -All right.
Second-- Second, we dispose of the body.
Yes, yeah, wild dogs.
French Equatorial New Guinea cannibals.
You're dead.
I am?
Imagine that.
Oh, no, no, no, hold on. You're fucking dead.
I was.
-But now I'm back. -Not possible.
This is not possible.
How does it feel?
Great. I've never felt more alive.
Oh, sweet irony.
Hey, where are you going?
I'm going to dance.
Announce her.
And now...
...back from the dead...
...Kat.
Yeah!
You're cute.
-Me? -Yeah.
I could just eat you alive.
Come here.
No way.
Jimmy, Jimmy.
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
Hey, you think this is a good idea?
I mean, wasn't that bitch dead a minute ago?
Fuck it. What's the worst that can happen?
Sit.
This is gonna be so great.
Allow me.
Look, maybe I should go.
Go? It's only just begun.
Look, this isn't so much fun anymore.
Let me make it up to you.
Oh, yeah. Hands are cold.
That's interesting. Your tongue is so dry.
I get it wet.
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy
But wait, there's more.
Oh, God.
-No. -No, thank you.
Suit yourself.
Did you see...?
Holy shit!
Hey, do I gotta clean this mess up?
You see this? You see this, what colour is that?
-Cappuccino? -Right.
Meaning you're cleaning this entire fucking mess up. Can you handle that?
Or do I have to find somebody else in front of Home Depot?
Okay, man, okay. I got it, all right?
In old country, we use eels.
-Eels? -Yes, eels.
They eat the flesh.
Sorry, but we don't have eels.
Best we can do is a few rats, maybe the odd ferret.
With any luck, a badger or two.
Badgers?
We don't need no stinking badgers.
Just clean this up.
Come on, Paco, I'll help you. I'll get the big pieces.
Jesus fucking sheep shit.
Boss, we have a problem.
Could be problem.
Yeah, well, the only problem I've got right now...
...is Señor lllegal over here, who's downing my booze.
Oh, really?
How about this, huh, boss?
Maybe this is something worse to worry about.
Okay, let's see if I've got this straight.
Our best stripper is a reanimated corpse...
...who is feeding off the living flesh of our customers...
...who in turn reanimate, even if they're just a fucking head?
You-- You don't see this as a problem?
This is what I think.
I see stripper dead. And then I see her not so dead.
I see severed head, and not so dead too.
But I also see not-so-dead stripper strip. And shiznit, she--
How you say?
--knock them dead.
Or not so dead, as case may be.
So your fucking point?
My point is lots of money.
I never see performance before like tonight.
Nice boys out there never see performance before like tonight.
So I think nice boys tell more nice boys.
And soon, lots of nice boys throwing money at us.
So that is why I say not-so-dead nice boy in head form...
...maybe not so much problem.
His head easy to--
How you say?
--brush under carpet.
Head?
I see no head.
What head?
-You see head? -Me?
Severed zombie head? Please.
This makes so much more sense now.
Good. All here.
What the fuck was that out there?
Yeah, she was amazing.
-What? -Girls, we talk.
In the old country...
...I strip to buy bread and borsch. And vodka.
Hey, Lilith, you wake up.
I talk to you.
Oh, my God.
She's dead.
No, I'm not.
Figures. Go ahead, kiss her ass.
You have the personality of clay.
Spineless jellyfish.
Kat says jump and you grovel, begging her to tell you how high.
Yeah. When she says "zombie," you say, "how dead?"
You're surprised?
Actually, there's more. Kat eat nice boy.
But leftovers still alive.
-Cool. -How's it feel?
Death.
It's like snow and the stars.
That's pretty.
I remember once lying in the snow under a clear blanket of stars.
And there were so many stars.
I couldn't comprehend what it was like...
...that vast and noble void.
But now...
...I understand it.
I feel I'm a part of it.
That infinite nothingness.
I wanna strip. Who's on?
Fuck it, I'm gonna dance.
Death is good.
Okay.
It looks like war has been declared.
Give it up for Jeannie.
The dance of the bruised ego.
Get off!
-Go away. -Come on, you're trash.
-You're done, bitch. -Bring us Lilith!
-You suck! -Lilith!
You.
Oh, baby, you are morbid.
I love your tongue.
Oh, wow, this is so fucking cool.
I love your tongue.